current mood: scared
So here we are, a year later after the MC, and my hopes are up, but I'm scared this month. We went to our fertility doctor, and she said next month will be the HSG test-shooting dye in me, and the month after that, if no luck with iui, we'll start shots.
We agreed that this would be the "old college try" month. The month we'd not let anything stop us. I know I ovulated yesterday-I was super crampy. Mike has pink eye, but we still tried. I jokingly said I'd cover his eyes with a blind fold. I think one more time tonight would seal the deal.
I didn't realize that the timing was exactly the same as it was when we had the MC. If we concieve this cycle, and it doesn't stick, I'll be going through the emotional disaster of last christmas. I had to call off of school, had to "un-tell" family. Devastating. I'm just hoping that we'll get a good result, and nothing bad after that good result.
It was november 30th and I was just exceptionally exhausted from a really lame, easy hike. I had no clue. And dying of thirst the next week at school. Super smell.
A month ago, I was thinking that I couldn't wait to have symptoms, and it'd be exciting, yet, I'm afraid this month of symptoms. Afraid of that emotional mess that could possibly happen again.
I must say to myself, "its making me stronger, and smarter". Thats what's keeping me going. Through this journal. Smarter so that if anyone I know is going through all of this kind of bs, I'll have experience to help them through it. Because all I've had is this stupid journal to guide me, and thats not fair. I will help someone, and teach someone what its like, and how to be strong through all of this.