So here we are, a year later after the MC, and my hopes are up, but I'm scared this month. We went to our fertility doctor, and she said next month will be the HSG test-shooting dye in me, and the month after that, if no luck with iui, we'll start shots.

We agreed that this would be the "old college try" month. The month we'd not let anything stop us. I know I ovulated yesterday-I was super crampy. Mike has pink eye, but we still tried. I jokingly said I'd cover his eyes with a blind fold. I think one more time tonight would seal the deal.

I didn't realize that the timing was exactly the same as it was when we had the MC. If we concieve this cycle, and it doesn't stick, I'll be going through the emotional disaster of last christmas. I had to call off of school, had to "un-tell" family. Devastating. I'm just hoping that we'll get a good result, and nothing bad after that good result.

It was november 30th and I was just exceptionally exhausted from a really lame, easy hike. I had no clue. And dying of thirst the next week at school. Super smell.

A month ago, I was thinking that I couldn't wait to have symptoms, and it'd be exciting, yet, I'm afraid this month of symptoms. Afraid of that emotional mess that could possibly happen again.

I must say to myself, "its making me stronger, and smarter". Thats what's keeping me going. Through this journal. Smarter so that if anyone I know is going through all of this kind of bs, I'll have experience to help them through it. Because all I've had is this stupid journal to guide me, and thats not fair. I will help someone, and teach someone what its like, and how to be strong through all of this.

I was so good. I really was. Isabel came over and sat down at dinner. In true hostess fashion, I offered her a glass of wine. I was shot in the gut when she denied, and of course, I knew. But, being the glutton for punishment, I asked "the question".

She's pregnant. I'm not sad that SHE is persay, but more sad for myself that I'm not. I held it together through dinner, but of course, found myself wallowing in self-pity afterwards.

I cried so hard, its been at least 4 months since I lost it to that degree. Mike was great, and just stayed in bed with me, and let me cry it out.

I got angry that her, with all of her problems, and an asshole husband gets a kid. I am angry that it feels like having a kid feels like something in a "deserving" fashion. Its a ridiculous, unfair, un-everything feeling. But, my mom came over the next day, and had a lot of insight as to why I was so devastated by isabels news.

I've been good at everything. I'm not trying to be snotty about it, but I get everything I really want. I work my ass off, because I know there's a pay off. I know that if I work hard at something, It will come to fruition. Music, college, job, car, husband, everything. I work hard, I get what I want. I'm a good person, and no one can ever insult my work-ethic.

This is beyond me. I am working hard, and not getting my pay-off. I don't understand why, on so many levels. I've thought about this on a religious level-why does God give them children, and not me? I've thought about biology-I'm so healthy, and I'm fit, why can't I ovulate and make a kid? I've thought about this on a relationship level-I love Mike, he loves me, why don't we get a kid to celebrate our love?

I will continue to keep strength, and know that I'm not sitting her and wallowing in self-pity, but have the next step in mind. I'm being as proactive as I could be, and have faith that there will be a pay-off, whether it be adopting, going the next level, or whatever. I will be strong.

This post isn't about me, its about Michele. She's getting her baby. She was put on an adoption list, and has waited over 3 years for a little girl from China. I am so happy for her. She's gone through all of the rigamaroll of infertility tests, the whole nine yards, and then they decided adoption.

She's gone baby crazy, and I can't blame her. She even quit her job so that she can be home full time with her new ltitle girl. I am so jealous. I wish I wasn't plagued with the jealousy bug, but I am.

There's a part of me that wants to throw in the towel,a nd just adopt a little girl, an american little girl, call her my own. But I just don't know. Maybe the worlds have collided me and Michele, so that she can guide me through the process. maybe not. maybe she's just that little token to remind me that there's always a way, maybe not.

Still green with envy though. I try not to be mad at her gloating posts of pictures, new cars (to accomodate babyseat) and so on. And I'm not.. I'm just in the middle of the struggle.

With "frer negative on dpo" still in the google search bar, I clicked on FB to read ANOTHER freaking announcement.

I am done with FB. I can't handle it. I am so sad, and desperate to make it just happen. Isabel called to say she's going to start trying now. she's 34, pcos, and borderline diabetic. She'll prolly have better luck than me.

Mike is fine. I am fine when on ovulation drugs. Its just not fair.

We may have done it. I think. We hanky pankie'd it on cd 13, when I got a practically positive opk, and then on cd 14, the opk was like BAM! I mean, DAAARRRRK, . No hanky panky that night. That makes me nervous, but, I'm hoping we got it. I had serious twinges/crampies and pain on my right side,... definitely ovulation pain.

perhaps Femara did the trick. Will not test till at least 10 dpo.
I'm foolishly optomistic, and hope that Mikes swimmers last 24 hrs.

cheers.

We sat around a fire last night at Alex (7 yrs old) bday party, with a decent handful of little kids-and Mike said, on the drive home that he was sad that if we have a kid, it will be so much younger than all of the others, and can't play with them.

Its statements like that that just make me sad.
Cheers to the lets get knocked up week!

Femara works this cycle, I'd get to announce that I'm prego at thanksgiving. I'd be like, 14 weeks along, its the "safe zone"... Mike and I decided after our last MC, that we'd wait till we were sure before we announced it to everyone.

I really hope it works, we're gonna have some fun hanky hanky for the next week, in hopes of getting knocked up.

I'm still losing weight, too, which I am happy about. Its a little difficult going out to eat. Okay, restatement. Its VERY difficult going out to eat, and I just fear eating some things, knowing how bad it is for me.

Curse you America for not giving me healthy choices at restaurants, and grocery stores.(legit healthy, not "its got lettuce, therefore healthy!" crap)

*Quest for health is on.
*Quest for pregnancy is on.

And yes, in that order.

Today is a good day, I feel happy and optomistic. Doc called, filled me on Femara, this is day 2 of taking it, day 6 of cycle. I dont have to go to the RE at this point. Yey!!! I was secretly terrified of that next step. I do have to go in for blood work on CD 20ish to see if Femara worked...

And I refuse to test till CD 27 or 28, in hopes of not wracking my brain. I will have fun this month with hanky panky, I will continue to eat my veggies, and no processed garbage. I will continue to make ''active" decisions, and hope for the best.

And in hopes of distracting myself, I will immerse my free time with reading travel books, and NOT obsessing over internet.

That being said, bye bye

today i'm feeling pretty okay. I read a book last night, it was strangely comforting talking about the emotions that I've gone through, and the emotions I can plan on going through should mike and I consider going further into this whole ''get pregnant'' thing.

but I also read/got some books about traveling. Maybe I immerse myself in dreams of travel, and gardening, i'll figure out who I am without having children. It makes me want to cry typing that, but its a reality, and a conversation that Mike and I need to have.

So, today is sad. I called in hopes of getting my femara prescription, and instead, my doc wants me to go see a reproductive endocrinologist. I guess i am sad because its a reminder that we really aren't having any luck.

I am scared too. I dont want to do shots all the time. I am scared of what mike is going to say and do. I am just scared. Scared to go to a scary doctors office, that is far away. Scared at what all of this entails.